There was nurses everywhere, I had now counted 14 times the needle of the cannula tried to enter my arm, missing my vein every time, at one point they even brought a machine in to try and help the needle find the vein. I could now count 16 people in my hospital room and not one fo them I knew, doctors, nurses, midwives they were all there. I watched my newly husband stand at the door, watching me with nothing but worry running through him, his face getting whiter and whiter with every second that passed. I could hear a female talking to me, asking me over and over again to look her In the eye, to talk to her, to re sight my birth dates to her. I could hear the machine beeping and beeping over and over, my back pain was unlike anything I had ever experienced, it was excruciating, the cords and material wrapped around my belly to keep an eye on my baby was even more annoying. I played there completely grounded to the bed, my body was flat as if I had never experienced energy or movement before in my life. I know i'm being spoken to, I know they need me to speak, to blink, to do something, but i......I just can't, I just have nothing left in me. No fight, no energy, no excitement, not even worry, my body let go of all emotion and feeling and had left me behind, laying there...lifeless. I remember the feeling, I remember it clear as day, I recall the coldness of my chest and the weightless feeling in my legs. I still to this day don't know if I was heard, but for me, I remember saying... "I Give up." There was not one thing left inside of me that had fight or power left to push through, there was nothing left in me that even wanted to try. My eyes shut and everything goes black, I can still hear people all around me talking and rushing about, the feeling I felt is hard to explain. It isn't something I have even shared with many people before, I didn't see some crazy sort of out of this world images or saw myself in the future. It was as if for the first time I was a third person, watching myself from a different set of eyes. I stood there amongst the nurses and doctors looking over my own body, the pale grey, back ridged, lifeless looking body, that was me.... How did I get to that point? Though my face looked lost and cold, my tummy still round and life like, Oliver around the skin, pink Rosie shades like tiny rivers up each side of my stomach, joining one another to make stretch marks. Though my body has given up and had nothing left to fight for, the baby inside, was determined, they wanted to live, they had energy and power, I watched and then grew jealous of. I wake up after what it feels like 5 minutes later, I am in a new bed? My hands and feet are now so swollen with fluid they are 4 times my normal size, my kidneys were shutting down, my body wasn't processing any fluids through my organs. This ward is a lot quieter, I have quite a large area to myself, these doctors looks different, like more important if that's even a thing? I still can't move my body much, I still have pain yet, almost feel painless as I have already endured so much. I look up behind my left shoulder and see this woman, rough age 40-42, purple short spikes hair, her scrubs are black with jelly beans all over them, she's colourful and I remember feeling instantly relaxed around her. It was like when your meeting a new mum at school, she seems cool and you want to get to know her, but you still have to be on your best behaviour until you two get a lot closer. Then one moment later you drop the F BOMB! and wait anxiously for her 'all good' or 'judgemental' reaction. Then she smiles and agrees with what you were saying, you feel a sigh of relief go through you that maybe you just met someone who does get you. This nurse gave me all of those feelings, she looked at me, saw my eyes were open and gave me a warm smile. With that I turned back and saw my man walking in, aww Dylan! I instantly felt safe, I felt at home seeing his face. As he got closer to reaching me I realised his face was different, he was worried, he had this look of concern I had never seen before, what had happened? He smiled and came in for a tight hug, I could feel his heart beating faster than mine was, I knew something was bothering him, yet he had this strong, determined look one that seemed familiar to me. It was the feeling I had felt with the baby inside of me, They shared strength that at a moment like this I wish I had. Hugging him I could feel his weakness, he was feeling all of this and yet giving me a brave face for my sake. I admired him maybe more so in this moment than ever before, my mum followed straight after, she on the other hand could not hold her emotions back! typical mums right. Dylan leant down and let me know that my heart had stopped for a moment and they had to bring me back to life, I was now currently in ICU and was being prepared to go into surgery, I was having 2 stents put in to my right and left kidney to help them flush my organs correctly. This was a lot to process though, it wasn't my main concern, how was the baby? is the baby fine? Dylan told me that he had to sign a form to say that if there was anything to go wrong during surgery, that the doctors were to save me first. This point had to be told to me after this event obviously as I don't remember much during the time I was being prepped for surgery. I was stuffed full of so many medications I remember falling asleep again, I woke again hearing the nurse tell me it was time to go to surgery. My eyes were open yet felt as if I was squinting, my face was so full of fluid my eyes felt swollen, my eyes were blurry and watery. I turned my head and saw Dylan crying in my fathers arms, even though Dylan was emotional, it was the strongest I had ever seen him, he was worried about the both of us. The two men I loved the most in this world, were standing there watching me, praying for me, crying over me. I kissed them both and the nurse wheeled me into the surgical room, the kind, funky looking nurse, asked me if she could pray for me, I replied "of course" and she did just that. I woke up in the recovery area after surgery, I had oxygen mask over my face, I had, had oxygen down my throat, up my nostrils for so many hours, I remember freaking out about the oxygen mask. I instantly wrapped it off and was looking for that nurse, another nurse approached me and said I had to keep it on, I told her I couldn't breathe with it on and I needed it off. The nurse continued to argue with me that it was important to stay on. I woke up hours later in my personal room back on the ICU ward, Dylan was there already holding my hand, the nurse came in and told me it was good I was awake. The nurse told me that according to my chart and the time I spent in the recovery ward, the nurses didn't realise I had a high allergic reaction to the general anaesthetic which I inherited from my father. So when I woke up complaining, of not being able to breathe, that was because once my body came to after surgery, it was in shock from having scalene which is what i'm allergic to. My heart stopped for the second time that day, though I was told my son didn't skip a beat...somehow through it all, he was happy, healthy and content.
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