Fast forward and I am a mum, I have 2 beautiful little babies, One sweet 3 week old perfect little princess. And my handsome little man who is 13 months old, God I love them both! Dominic sleeps 12 hours a night and has since 7 days old. Aurora on the other hand was a nightmare, a *cute nightmare* but one that had reflux, sore tummy's, colic and a baby who only needed less than 3 hours sleep. Sleep deprived and exhausted I was still madly in love with my life. It was Dylan's 2nd year in his career and was home 3 weeks, gone 1 week. I had smashed it up until now, nothing like 2 BABIES who feel like twins but are not twins, to wake you up! Double bottles, Double Nappies, 2 different sleep routines, the works. And I was struggling!! A toddler that had me exhausted during the day and a newborn who had me exhausted during the night. BUT we continued on, Dylan worked his ass off and I was doing my best as a first time mum. God I know the saying is useless, but they really should give out a 'manual' on how to be a parent. It really would save a lot of time.
All of a sudden my little boy was 18 months old and I had started to notice his little toddler tantrums where a little more than just that. That Dom was mad and angry about the smallest of things. I spent everyday breastfeeding one, and playing every game under the sun with the other. As another couple of months pasted I noticed at almost 2yo, Dominic hadn't said his first word yet. That mum sounded more like: "mmmm" and dad sounded more like "dddidd". He barely ever looked us in the eye or cuddled us. That he would prefer to be put down in his cot and left alone than to be cradled by us. I think silently I blamed myself and Dylan knew I did, he just couldn't shelter me from that so called "Mum guilt" crap we put on ourselves. I sat questioning and worrying for Dominic, Why is he so different? I asked again and again. Wanting to know more, wanting to understand him more.
2 weeks before Dominic's 3rd birthday we had booked him in to see a Paediatrician, I drove all the way to North Brisbane to see the best paediatrician I could get my hands on. I waited nervous and impatiently in the waiting room. I had Aurora asleep in the rocker next to me and Dominic in the pram. Dominic starts the assessment and not even 1 hour and 15minutes later, The Dr. leaned in and said "well, Mrs.Van Herk, your son has Autism". Taken back and very confused, due to my lack of knowledge of what Autism really is, I take her forms and leave. I get Aurora in the car, happy and smiling, Dominic in his seat, playing with his toys. I get into the drivers seat and just sit there. Like a rush of waves hitting me all at once, I start to cry and I mean cry. Still to this day this moment confuses me, why am I crying? I had no idea what Autism was? If I am to look back and Annalise that moment. I think I cried because there was just something in my gut that knew whatever this meant, It meant a very different life for our family, than the one I imagined.
I don't think any one can really understand the grief a parent goes through when their child is diagnosed. Dont get me wrong it is NOT the same as a parent loosing a child. I mean in the aspect of when you love someone, make love, create love, birth love. Through all these moments in life you sit back and day dream, you in-vision what your life with that child looks like. Playing in the yard together, watching them play sports, building an engine together. Then all of a sudden in one quick moment of someone you don't know, telling you your kid is something else. You grief the life you in visioned for them...
